The Path to Autonomy

Dear parents,

In the January edition of the SSI (Stepping Stones Insider), I talked about Erik Erickson, a German researcher who developed a theory of Man's evolution throughout his life. The second stage of all hu-man's tasks is to get to autonomy.

In order to get autonomy, children must be given simple choices to learn how to choose and to keep manageable alternatives for parents or caretakers. Most of two years are not ready for “what do you want for lunch today?” Or if she does, she might always ask for the same kind of food she likes. This can become a tricky situation!

Choosing between a cheese sandwich and a peanut sandwich offers just the right challenge. And then, as parents, you can decide which food your child is going to eat with-out forcing.

Eliminate false choices

Many parents make the mistake of offering toddlers a choice when there isn’t really one. For exam-ple : “would you like to do the dishes?” is a request or a polite phrasing of an expectation. Toddlers can-not make the difference between this kind of question and a real choice. And yes-no questions can lead to …..a NO! It is much better to phrase your question that way: “we are going out now. Would you like me to help you put on your jacket or do you want to do it yourself?” Going out, taking a nap, and so on are not choices but what the adults have decided. The choice is whether the child gets ready by himself or receives some adult help.

Inner and outer control

At that stage, every child struggles between inner and outer control. Toddlers are working on their sense of self. The sense of other kids is still primitive. They will push, bite, hit and throw things in a most matter-of-fact way. For this reason, parents do their child a lot of good when they don’t shy away from clear, firm limits. When outer limits are clear, children can focus on learning inner control. When outer limits are inconsistent or poorly stated, children continually have to put energy into finding out what/who they are.

When toddlers strive for independence, they do it with passion. Their insistence on getting things their way can be downright defiant! Toddlers’ parents need to support the child’s drive to do something her own way. This seesaw behaviour is a normal part of toddlers’ development. To accept these changing moods helps toddlers to grow with confidence and self-esteem.

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Feel free to contact me if you want more insight:
awallart.steppingstones@gmail.com
Alain Wallart, Director of courses